28 November 2011

grace. and stuff.

it's been quite the week. we've had gusty bright days where all that sun in your hair feels like summer, and then days like right this very instant where the wind whistles a thirty degree tune in e minor.

thursday morning, just as we were packing up to truck over to the mister's folks, little m took a spill and smacked his head and sent us off to the hospital instead. and while i hope to never repeat that particular thanksgiving experience again, i am glad for the small gifts attached: for the time spent focused on our littlest person, and for a bit of insight into the unique workings of his body that could prove Mighty Valuable for the coming years.

and as a side note, connecting and attaching in adoption is a jungly two-way street, slow and tricky and riddled with sanity-eating plants. some of y'all are tossing around that seed of an idea that maybe you'd like to adopt, and you've emailed honest questions like but what if i never feel like he's my son? and i'm glad for your heart and glad for your questions and glad to tell you that in harrowing times when you can't spare a second to rationalize and talk yourself in or out of love and there is only space to feel, the iron jaws of panic clamp down every bit as steely whether you birthed this child or prayed him home. i'm his and he's mine.

so the mister's family came this way instead and we had turkeyish leftovers plus many pies. also last week we did Christmas photos and thankful leaves and several of us got the stomach flu and elle fashioned costumes for a thanksgiving play. i got to be the boy pilgrim, as it was the least coveted role amongst the under-ten crowd. (everyone wants to be Girl Pilgrim or Squanto. pish, i say.)

[elle modeling her costumes. folks, Boy Pilgrim is nothing to sneeze at. just look at that hat.]

and last night? last night. for the very first time in the history of ever, when i said i love you to little m, he didn't answer back with his usual 'kay. it went like this instead:

i love you.
love you.

and so okay, maybe he was just parroting my words, but you know what? i'll absolutely take it.

thankful today, for

#180 crystal, who came when i called

#181 good nurses

#182 color and light inside (when all of the outside is grey)

#183 friends who whisk me away for girly-nights and the chance to get in touch with my inner-human

#184 children who teach me to give thanks

#185 providence and upholding in all our fragility

#186 mint pudding pie

#187 six o'clock light


Leisl said...

I am thankful for you, and how amazing and inspiring you are.

leanne can blog said...

So inspiring, I love reading your posts.

TheUnSoccerMom said...

So glad Little M is doing okay!!

I'm thankful we can find things to be thankful for, even in the midst of something like that. :o)

I LOVE Elle's costumes!! She's so creative! Like her Mama!

And I must take a note from Leisl and say I'm thankful for you too. :o)

Joy said...

Oh I have been praying for that little m and his mama! I have prayed that God would pour love into the cracks and smooth them over and build bridges and change hearts. And He can. And I believe He is. Maybe a bump on the noggin is just what the Great Physician ordered. And you take that love you. Take it and run, ponder it in your heart. Grace and love and prayers are working.

Heather said...

I'd say that's more than parroting, that's healing. Praise God.
Rejoicing with you!

Erin said...

I, too, love your writing! I think you should write a book in all your spare time. :)

Also love your honesty and the budding relationship between you and m. Precious.

Jen Shults said...

Oh my dear Nic. It sounds as though you've had an eventful week(s). I've been keeping you and little m in my thoughts constantly. Such tiny little steps with such huge fantastic meaning. You hold that little 'love you' and remember it for every time he's testing your easily spoken 'love you' and know that he wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. it's a brave little thing to say those words even at such a young age, braver still to trust it when others say it. he's getting there! big hugs to you!! much love coming your way, dear nic. :)

Nancy said...

Take it. Absolutely.

Brandee Shafer said...

Firstly, I love you. Secondly, M does, too, even when he says it after you say it...or when he doesn't say it at all. Thirdly, I'm glad he's ok.

Our Thanksgiving plans of traveling home to family were cancelled b/c Clementine had the croup. After she put a bead in her ear and had to be "put under" to have it removed. After Baby Charleigh had the croup. 10 dr./hospital visits in 16 days. It was CRAZY. But God totally showed up over and over, and guess what? In the middle of the mayhem, I found out I'm pregnant!

kendal said...

can i tell you that i adore you? i just do.

Shannan Martin said...

Sheesh, I'm glad he weathered that storm. Glad you weathered it, too.

Isn't that first I love you grand? After today, which I've spent to a great degree banging my head against a wall, I'm thankful for the reminder of that very thing.

So thanks for that.

Michelle said...

Nic, I showed my girls your thankful leaves on the window. We talked about gratitude, and about how pretty the leaves looked. I also showed them Elle's gorgeous costumes. We had a good discussion over breakfast this morning, but I didn't have time to comment before tonight.

I'm so happy for little M's first "love you". Your heart must have swelled HUGE when you heard it. I think he said it because he felt it - you obviously did a very good job looking after him when he was hurt (in reality AND in his perception). These are the building blocks. Woo hoo!

grey rose (they/them) said...

i pray little m is healing nicely. head smacks are no fun. sounds like a lovely thanksgiving! hooray for productions and costumes, pies and leftovers.
so glad to hear you enjoyed some girl time, praise jesus!

happy tuesday, nic. praying and praying for y'all.

Unknown said...

this is so lovely, and funny. Pish I say too! I love her costumes. I love that you are thankful for Indoor plumbing. hehehehe. You manage to create cozy and beautiful in the middle of chaos and barf.

happygirl said...

I love your posts. I love the love coming at you from m. Praying for a wonderful Christmas for your new family.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Oh how I've missed you and that sweet heart of yours. There is something in the mingling of your words and your art that touches me deep.

Much love.

TuTu's Bliss said...

Your photography is breathtaking and so are your posts. There is a rare simplicity to them both. Thank you for sharing

K said...

Thanks for your honesty and your words and transparency. Lovely.

elizabeth said...

Your photos and words always draw me right in...

Mommy Emily said...

that wind whistling in e-minor... how you write beauty, dear nic. i hope to meet you one day. and yay for "love you." these are the grace-filled steps. i love you too. :)

amy luella said...

oh, nic, thanks for sharing. that i love you. as i read your two last posts together, i can't help but think that maybe he saw/felt something very special from his family during his hospital episode that has drawn him even closer?? anyway, that window of thanks is precious. night, sweet lady.

Stephanie Wilson she/her @babysteph said...

Beautiful. So glad all is okay.


Captain Murdock {Godwilladd.com} said...

Praising God for the "I love you" and praising God for you!

Much love!