04 October 2011

even if He doesn't.




it's one of those days where he's howling mad (this time at having lost his borrow-a-movie-from-the-library privileges) and he seethes along the walking path with a screech that liquefies my eardrums and leaves me soul-weary and spent.

but the cornstalks rattle bronze under a sky so clean it makes me ache for eternity, and the wind rushes and whispers peace till there's nothing else for it

and so i sing.

the brilliant thing about singing next to a screaming five year old is that i can belt it out as off-key as i'd like and no one is any wiser.

i work through hymns and some hillsong, matt papa, shane&shane, and then i get to a song that says this:

if You call us to the fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
we'll gaze into the flames and look for You


and it's referencing of course Daniel 3, and that trio of guys with funky names (my shack, your shack, and a bungalow) who refused to worship anyone but God. the king commissions this mammoth golden statue and assembles the people and commands everyone to bow to his image when the music sounds. and these three guys, they're captives but have worked their way into league with the bigwigs, and i'm pretty sure they know they're not dealing with the most stable despot here. but still, they won't worship the statue. and you know the rest, i'm sure. i would've demoted them, maybe hiked their taxes and plundered their cattle, but this king gives them a choice: either bow or get pitched into a fire so intense it melts your brain off just thinking about it.

and they come back with this, more or less: 'o king, we're not ultimately accountable to you, we answer to God. He can save us from your crazy-hot furnace.'

and then my favorite part: but even if He doesn't.

'but even if He doesn't, we refuse to worship anyone but Him.'

and the rest of the story is fantastic and God shows up in the fire with them and they come out untouched and His glory is made known.

and here's what i'm thinking as i'm singing and holding the unwilling hand of my flailing boy: that all along i've fully expected that we'll work through these tough spots and come out in love. i still do. we enlarged our family out of love for God and people, and i anticipate He'll work a boatload of miracles here.

but here's the other thing i'm thinking: God doesn't always show up in the way or the time frame i'm desperate for.

and even if He doesn't, even if things never get easier, even if we spiral dark and down for the next sixty years, i still choose this boy. i still choose this God. i still choose to obey.

and He'll walk with me in death valley, He'll keep me company in the flames, and His glory will be made known. good enough for me.

30 comments:

happygirl said...

I hang my faith on this... having prayed for my son's healing from autism for 24 years. Even if He doesn't... I have faith.

fleetfeet said...

Love you. :)

Kendal said...

even if he doesn't. yeah.

hannah singer said...

indeed. even if he doesn't.
praying for you right this minute!

xo

Brandee Shafer said...

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY! WOO HOO! AMEN, AND PRAISE THE LORD! He WILL be glorifed in you and through you and in your family and through your family. And you know what, my love? HE ALREADY IS.

Anonymous said...

He didn't send the miracle I expected this week, and my friends are in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death, and I grieve with them. But this is still exactly what I needed to hear today. Thanks.

Bless by Tone said...

so powerful,thank you (and I love me shack, you shack and a bungalow - once knew an Abednego..)Tone

Gina said...

OH my sista, I have been there. Our foster daughter was the same way. i wish at times i found more joy even in the tougher times...I love this post. I'm still praying for you and your son...I LOVE your heart!

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

That's my favorite, too!

I sure wish you'd talk to me like this all day, every day. Especially on packing days. You words have a way with me...

Small Town Joy: said...

Oh heavens,you said what was on my heart without even knowing me.

JulzVP said...

I can't imagine what it is like to struggle through love like that... but it makes me think of how God must love me. Cause I fight it. Sometimes I push away. I often throw temper tantrums at him... and yet he pushes into me. He loves me. He holds me tight.
Thanks you... thank you thank you.

Natalie at Our Old Southern House said...

what a beautifully written post. love it. rocked me to my core.

TheUnSoccerMom said...

even if He doesn't... so powerful, yet so simple and of course, so, so, so difficult when in the moment.

Praying God will lead you from the moment, to the time where it all comes together. Wrapping you, little M and your family in prayers and love.

(((HUGS)))

Leisl said...

He sure knows what He's doing... even if it leaves us sitting around scratching out heads (or plugging ears, whatever works!)

Leanne said...

This is so beautifully written, so heart felt. Thank you.(and i love those funky names)

EveryChapter said...

what's with the making me cry? Thank you- of course that's the answer, even if he doesn't I still choose him.

Sarah said...

Good truths. I pray you will not grow weary in doing good.

emily wierenga said...

oh friend. the way he sings through you... it makes ME ache for eternity. i love you. (ps. thank you for praying. the lump is benign)

Jessy, Greg, Grace, Jack, Nora, and Lexi said...

We adopted our youngest, Lexi. Not an international adoption, but we've had our share of hurdles to jump...from a diagnosis of fetal alcohol syndrome and now a chromosome disorder (several chromosome duplications). I heard this author being interviewed on the local public radio station & you popped into my mind...which is funny because I don't really even know you. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0374223068/ref=mp_s_a_1?qid=1317783028&sr=8-1

Jessy, Greg, Grace, Jack, Nora, and Lexi said...

that link is for: "No Biking in the House Without a Helmet" by Melissa Fay Greene (sorry if it didn't work)

Rob said...

Moving...and simply awesome. I want to be like you when I finally grow up. Praying for you and your family.

Heather said...

Tears.
As you write these words, every woman walking through a fire of their own just had a glimpse of God here. There's even more purpose in it all than you know. Bless your precious heart.

Captain Murdock said...

Beautiful. Even if he doesn't. Such very brave words. And even if He does, sometimes we still end up smelling like smoke. Thanks for writing this!

Sami Jo said...

heart your heart.

patty said...

beautiful post, beautiful photo. thank-you for the encouragement and truth.

Greta said...

I was at a retreat last week and heard this same message.
"Even if He doesn't".
Oh to be able to live my life out that way.
Thank you for such a beautiful post.
Love from,
Greta

Kelly said...

glorious post! even if He doesn't do what i want when i want it. i will praise Him forever. i don't want to think of what life would be without Him.
i am you r newest follower!

Marie said...

such a lovely heart-tuning post! fantastic.

i'm new to your following too...found you via hannah:)

Wendy Crummie said...

I am expecting my eleventh child, and i get a lot of grief from people about,having so many children in this difficult economy..my grandmother made the statement "well, as long as they are healthy, then you will be okay" and my thought was even if they are not healthy, i will still be okay bc God is still God...my 2 year old was diagnosed with a laryngul cleft, had surgery in hopes to repair it, and there was a less then 1% chance that it would get worse...at his foolow up we were told it was worse!! After much prayers and faith of many Godly people a year later and he is off of thickened liquids and no longer aspirating....whatever God chooses I am still okay, bc HE IS GOD...i am so grateful for Gods healing on my son, but the joy of suffering..i learned much of who He is during this fiery trial...thank you for your post!!

Kim said...

Rereading this again today. Still love the Truth in these words. Thanks for being brave.