20 July 2011

to beginnings.

crayola morning

he calls me mommy, but his heart isn't much in it yet. it's early still, so though he bustles and romps his way happy through the day, we get the sense that he'd be just as fine with anyone sweet on him.

we're venturing out more, bit by bit, enlarging our sphere to include church and the library. he sticks by me okay, but when i'm a whole bunch of no fun, vetoing scribbles on his palms and shorts or the unplugging of computers, he peels away and scrunches silly faces at other mums and dads, seeking attention from anyone less liable to say no.

sometimes the distance drags heavy and i want to fast-forward to the part where he'd pick us out of a crowd, where he'd feel clear to his spine how we love him.

but then i'd miss this, the slow, scraping, grace-washed crawl toward being a family.

during eight o'clock tuck-ins, he'll echo back goodnight with his smile curving the word like a slip of moon. and it's not everything, i know. it's maybe the thinnest wisp of a beginning. but still it puddles slow and sweet, honey to this mama's soul.



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visit emily's space for more imperfect prose.

22 comments:

Captain Murdock said...

Beautiful .... Let us rejoice in the beginnings.

Jenncooper said...

You will miss these days in a strange sort of way. We are far from "there" yet but somehow I already miss those first moments together. Savor them for what they are...I know you will!

Karen Siddiqi said...

Sounds like you're tasting the Father's yearning heart for all of us to fall deeply in love with him...awe-inspiring to say the least, I'm sure!

happygirl said...

He's so smart. He's learned to survive. Now he will learn to love.

Jim said...

Sweet stuff.

Nancy said...

It's all really a slow, scraping, grace-washed crawl, isn't it?

Fort Cindy said...

Ah, you have captured the push and pull of these wonderful times as parents - each season has its own special grace to safely see us through...

Blessings!

Olsonomics said...

This is so authentic...you've got a blessing there.

70piggies said...

thanks, sweets. i sure am trying!

70piggies said...

you're so right, hg. it's humbling and overwhelming both to be the people charged with the task of deliberately teaching a child to love--but then, it's always God who's truly doing the teaching. and the loving.

70piggies said...

come to think of it, yes. every last bit.

Emily Wierenga said...

slow, scraping, grace-washed crawl toward being a family.

oh nic. first of all, i love your words. i love the way you write. and i understand, even with my own child, with my own husband even, wanting that connection and yet, having the "slow, scraping, grace-washed crawl"... but in the end, it will be sweeter for the crawl. it will. and he will know clear down to his spine...

Valen_mieca said...

Nicole - your words are so beautiful! This post brings me many memories of the first several years with Zach. One night after he'd been our beloved son for several years already, I told him, "I know you love me, but mommies really LOVE to hear it sometimes." It became a little game between us until one day (many long months/year later) I could see in his eyes that he really meant it - and I think at that time also realized just a bit how much we love him!
Sure can't wait until we bring our girl home!!
Mieca

70piggies said...

thank you, em. been thinking about you all day, on the cusp of new life. i pray all is well.

70piggies said...

me too, mieca. i can't wait for you to bring your girl home. praying.

Becky @ Farmgirl Paints said...

i absolutely love the way you write nic. it's pure poetry. as far as your new one...it will come. that journey must be so interesting. maybe it's just like mine. finding our place in a foreign land, with foreign people...waiting for the day when it all feels like home.

amy espinoza said...

these are good, nic. capturing these early moments in precious thoughts. with anything big, a new beginning, an end/loss, i have come to realize that i need to be gentle on myself...at least for the first year, realizing it is such an adjustment that asks for honesty and thoughtfulness and lots of faith, and that first year passed is a precious milestone in my book. like always, thanks for sharing with us!

amy espinoza said...

after that first year, then i can give myself a hard time. ha.=)

TheUnSoccerMom said...

and oh how sweet it will be when you get that blessed assurance that he finally sees and embraces all the love you have for him.

it will be a magical moment and God blessed for sure.

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

"seeking attention from anyone less liable to say no" Our life for the past 16 months, in a nutshell. Thank you for making me feel more normal, even though that wasn't your intention. And please know that you're not alone. Maybe you find, like I did/do, that it makes me love harder. It makes me want to hoist a bit more of the load onto my own shoulders. Slowly, I'm handing it back to him, and he's wearing it with a smile.

love said...

oh, nic.

man, i love you. love your family. praying for you all.

Joybird said...

Ok Nic, I've caught up and I will start praying again right away, like now, gotta go, gonna do some prayin'! :)