27 January 2011

a recipe for antifreeze.




sometimes the little fellow in my brain who heads up Constant Vigilance grows a bit sleepy, takes an early lunch. and just that quick, a solid freeze steals over.

when i forget to watch for God, alarming things transpire. my compassion numbs. my vision dims at the corners, vignetting till it’s nothing but cobwebby tunnels. i go about the routine of today: scrubbing, neatening, simmering, stitching, but my work clatters loud in the hollowed out spaces of me.







the truth is, loving long distance wears me threadbare. i think of our four year old rising and eating and playing and sleeping, day after day after month after year with nary a family in sight. it crumbles me so many times i grow tired of the breaking, i beg for the bleeding to stop.







and He hears.

God floods me with grace, buoys my heart in reserves of strength that i'm certain weren't there yesterday. and i remember this saving thing: that i just have to pray one more day, i just have to love right now. and if i do it this way, hoping one hour at a time, He will show up soon hand in hand with our littlest boy.

:)

and what a sight that will be.




* * *

[join us at emily's for more imperfect prose.]

20 comments:

kendal said...

oh, i hear your yearning. and love how you come back around to hope.

Courtney Walsh said...

first of all, love these photos, but secondly, I love what you said "When I forget to watch for God, alarming things transpire."

It's so true. I need to watch for him now.

Jenn said...

I can't think of a sight I would rather see, Nic. We are praying for you too...hope you can feel it. Good things are COMING!!!

Nicole said...

your words are beautiful! and so inspiring! i can't wait for you to have your little guy in your arms!

Farmgirl Paints said...

your words are so real and beautiful. love that you write from the very corners of your heart. oh and those pictures are perfect. thank you for inspiring me always.

alittlebitograce said...

your words touch me, but it was the pictures that grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go. just just gorgeous!

Joybird said...

I hope He leads your boy home very, very soon. And your pictures are magnetic. Wallpaper worthy.

Sami Jo said...

I think I've missed something... but whatever has your heart a bit uneasy - I shall say a prayer for you, friend. I adore your titles for your posts & I'm with the others on the pictures... "Wallpaper worthy" Their awesome. :)
Hugs, SJ

Teresa said...

Just beautiful.
Words and images both.

rahel said...

Beautiful words and amazing pictures! So wonderful those red berries in the frozen tree.

J said...

Prayers for you today as you wait for your little boy. Know that God holds him tightly. God Bless you!

Ramblings by Carol Nuckols said...

I don't know your situation (awaiting adoption?), but the way you voice it tears me up. Beautiful images and optimism. Yes, we can only take it one day at a time.

emily wierenga said...

my work clatters loud in the hollowed out spaces of me.

oh nic... i cannot wait for this little boy to be with you... with your bleeding heart... oh, Lord, hasten the day. it makes me tear. soon, please, soon...

and yes. all in his timing.

your heart is so beautiful. and your prose and photos, equally.

lulu and family said...

beautiful, nic. the truth of it all. loved learning that your 5th is a boy of 4 yrs. you have dear friends and "stranger friends" all around the world that pray with you, too.=) those pictures are some of the most amazing "winter smiles" i have seen in a long time. i am pin one of them to my pinterest board.=)

Simply Shelley said...

Where oh where are these trees? What kind are they? I want some in my yard! How beautiful! Crimson & red. Reminds me of Jesus' blood washing my sins away & making me white as snow.

nic said...

shelley,

these trees line my friend's driveway (i was heading from my van to her living room for our moms prayer group, and couldn't resist this photo op). i believe they are crabapple trees...she says they are quite a handful (lots of dropping fruit) but i say they're gorgeous. :)

Simply Shelley said...

Where oh where are these trees? What kind are they? I want some in my yard! How beautiful! Crimson & red. Reminds me of Jesus' blood washing my sins away & making me white as snow.

Jenn said...

I can't think of a sight I would rather see, Nic. We are praying for you too...hope you can feel it. Good things are COMING!!!

kendal said...

oh, i hear your yearning. and love how you come back around to hope.

rahel said...

Beautiful words and amazing pictures! So wonderful those red berries in the frozen tree.