12 May 2009

i laughed like a (silent) drain. if drains could laugh. silently.

i first spotted the following bit of hilarity on somebody's blog (can't remember whose; email me if it's you) and nearly dissolved with internal laughter. upon review, it turns out that i don't do much in the way of audible laughing. i may have to work on this.

anyhow, mostly i loved this list because it's exactly what my fellow english classmates and i would've devised, fueled by a blend of spite and boredom, were we given the vapid assignment of concocting similes.

enjoy.



Best High School Similes

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


* * *

want to make my week? leave me a simile in the comments or an email and i will love you like i loved luke perry back when 90210 was The Raddest Show Ever and i was oblivious to his supersized, creased forehead.

18 comments:

Kimberly said...

Yeah, what is the deal with that guy's forehead? Oi!

This post made me groan like an imbalanced load in the washing machine - probably towels or blankets, because it's always the towels and blankets that throw things off.

Best I could do. I'm tired.

Messy Jess said...

She kept loving him even though he had hurt her.... Like someone with heart burn that keeps eating pizza with extra tomato sauce.

Brian Daugherty said...

This comment is a witty as a description made by a little child. Not the kind of intentional wit that results in instantaneous hilarity, but the kind of obscure, barely relevant humor that makes you chuckle in internal silence.
----------------------------
I was going to use your name in my simile, but I didn't want to stoop to flattery...today.

Anonymous said...

my hubby is as good as licking the brownie batter before the brownies go in the oven.

by the way never noticed his forehead, couldnt get past his smile...

Lily Boot said...

the dog lingered at the bottom of the stairs, rat hanging from its mouth, taunting lily with its imminent arrival, like the delivery man who sits in his van, engine running, checking his schedule for the rest of the month before leaving the parcel at the door. I LOVE the simile regarding the lazy Phil and the mob informant and East River. They are truly funny!

Organizing Mommy said...

I'm trying to write something witty and funny unlike when you can't think of anything to say that's funny.

My brain hurts from thinking this way like when you hurt your head from bumping into the wall.

Amelia said...

Life is like a bo... oh crap, never mind.


lol kidding.

Reading your blog is like finding a diary with many deep and darkly humored secrets, penned by a beautiful enchantress.

Fledgling said...

"Avoid similes like the plague." No lie: My most disliked journalism professor said that. And I called him out on it. Not a lot of love lost there...

"These similes are so bad, they're good, like William Hung."

-N.

P.S. My word verification is "boisture". I think that should be a word, don't you? I'm going to start using it.

hotflashmamaknowsbest said...

Hilarious post. I had to steal one...

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

Courtney said...

I love you, like a fat kid loves cake.

Having worked with high school kids I heard this one a LOT! There are lots more but I forget...too early for my brain to work :)

Alisa said...

Ok, this is the one that really made me laugh out loud...shows you how simple my sense of humor is:

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Here's mine:

I rolled my eyes like a teenager wishing her parents would just shut up already about automobile safety and the hazards of drinking and driving so she can get in the car and text her boyfriend while applying too much eyeliner.

Loved this post, BTW!

Angela said...

After a hard day at work James was deep in thought when the gravity of his own situation hit him like a ton of bricks-he remembered he should never bench press without a spotter!

jen said...

Hehehe, those are too funny. As much as I would love to leave one of those funny comments, it would be a bit like stealing a good idea and turning it into a bad one much like a Transformers movie.

Courtney said...

I love you, like a fat kid loves cake.

Having worked with high school kids I heard this one a LOT! There are lots more but I forget...too early for my brain to work :)

Alisa said...

Ok, this is the one that really made me laugh out loud...shows you how simple my sense of humor is:

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

Here's mine:

I rolled my eyes like a teenager wishing her parents would just shut up already about automobile safety and the hazards of drinking and driving so she can get in the car and text her boyfriend while applying too much eyeliner.

Loved this post, BTW!

Fledgling said...

"Avoid similes like the plague." No lie: My most disliked journalism professor said that. And I called him out on it. Not a lot of love lost there...

"These similes are so bad, they're good, like William Hung."

-N.

P.S. My word verification is "boisture". I think that should be a word, don't you? I'm going to start using it.

Lily Boot said...

the dog lingered at the bottom of the stairs, rat hanging from its mouth, taunting lily with its imminent arrival, like the delivery man who sits in his van, engine running, checking his schedule for the rest of the month before leaving the parcel at the door. I LOVE the simile regarding the lazy Phil and the mob informant and East River. They are truly funny!

hotflashmamaknowsbest said...

Hilarious post. I had to steal one...

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.